Raised by TV, part the 1st

My parents are lovely people who did a delightful job raising me, and since I think I’m awesome, I give them major props for the glorious being that is me.

Way to go, Mom and Dad.

Now, let me shift my ego aside here *heft, thump!* and lets get on with the article.

Like most people my age, I spent a lot of my childhood watching TV. If you quantified it, I would probably hang my head in shame, but I’d be right there in Hangsville with everyone I went to High School with, so shut up, quantifiers.

The best part of daytime TV is when they show old stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. You can keep your soapy operas, give me three hours of “Matlock” five times a week, and I’m set. So, I figured for today’s dose of Vitamin T, we’d reminisce about those who ruled the airwaves in the 80’s and 90’s, and who continue to do so in syndication.

Matlock

Andy Griffith was one of the Kings of Television for decades. Every week, he’d oversee the city of Mayberry, make sure that Otis the drunk stayed funny and didn’t kill anyone with his inebriated shenanigans, keep Don Knotts from killing anyone with overeager gunplay, all while being a widower and raising a son and being followed around by a camera crew. And he was a heckuva whistler. Then, I guess he got tired of enforcing the law, and decided to start practicing it as a lawyer.

He changed his name to Ben Matlock, left Opie with Aunt Bea, and started a new life in Georgia. He had two daughters with a new wife who then died, leaving him a widower to the second power (exponentially more power than just a single widower), charged $100,000 per case, and ate only hot dogs. (Most of that is actually true.)

Here, have some math: There were 195 episodes of Matlock, with one case per episode. Lets factor in the two parters with cliffhanger endings that stretched that out to one-case-per-two episodes, maybe an occasional pro-bono case. All totaled? The man had at least $15 million by the end of the series, and that’s not including the cases he took in the off season.

"I'm rich as balls, kids!"

With his nigh-unlimited funds, cantankerous and do-it-yourself attitude, and snappy fashion sense, he’s probably the richest character to ever be on TV ever that wasn’t a cartoon duck who swam in money.

And that leads us to a spinoff that spun off of a spinoff of this show:

Diagnosis: Murder

"... yup, it was murder, alright."

Matlock gave birth to “Jake and the Fatman”, which you’ve probably never heard of since the Fatman was fat and died, probably, of being fat, but before dying, gave fat, sweaty birth to another series that kept one of the Kings of TVLand relevant into the 90’s, Diagnosis: Murder. “D:M” actually rarely showed Dick Van Dyke occasionally keeping people alive. Aside from his Patch-Adamsian “laughter is the best medicine” philosophy of health care, in which he made cancer patients think everything was going to be okay as soon as he put on a rubber nose and sang songs for them, he also taught me that it’s okay to have a mustache.

“Thank you, Mr. Van Dyke. Thank you so much.” – Tony

While that’s true, I don’t think I ever saw him do too much actual doctoring on the show. Just going around and declaring that the dead people had been, in fact, murdered. And you know what? I didn’t care a lick.

“I got you eating out of my hand, son.” And I totally would have.

With the rest of the cast up there, including his actual son playing his son on the show, for eight seasons and three TV movies, the world was blessed with Dick Van Dyke on a regular basis. And, one time in 1997, I think, they went full circle:

Absent: the Fatman. Diagnosis: death by fat.

OHMYGOSHANDHOLYJOSE, that’s Ben Matlock and Dr. Mark Sloan TOTALLY HANGING OUT! My mind, she was blown. And D:M is probably still one of my favorite shows, even though I haven’t seen an episode since Jr. High. Kind of like how candy tasted better when you were a kid, it would probably have lost something after a decade of life experiences, but it’s still fun to remember.

The A-Team

“Mr. T don’t need no shirt, fool!”
Seriously, you have no idea how hard it is
to find a pic of Mr. T with a shirt.
NO IDEA.

This series was based on fact, and no amount of cajoling or so-called proof will ever convince me otherwise. Four men, accused and convicted of a crime they did not commit, run from those that pursue them while helping those in need (for money and some sweet, sweet loving for the Faceman): The Charismatic Leader, the Handsome Face, the Mad (crazy) Pilot, and the Mad (angry) Black Man with the Black Van.

NO IDEA.

I like to think that they’re still out there, doing good, running from and outsmarting their pursuers, and breaking the crazy pilot out of the crazy ward in new, crazy ways twice a week. This show taught me that, even if you’re convicted of something you didn’t do, the situation can be remedied with explosions and mohawks and liberal amounts of stealing from the bad guys.

You’re probably wondering why the brothah doesn’t have a gun,
until you notice that he’s got two perfectly visible under
THE SHIRT HE’S NOT WEARING.

MacGyver


Never has the mullet been this glorious.

This show wasn’t on any stations I had, or if it was, it was on past my bedtime. I’ve only ever seen one episode of MacGyver, and it has effected me like you wouldn’t believe.

The gimmick is that he can make anything out of anything. In the episode I saw, he was stuck in a swamp, surrounded by the enemy, and had to keep someone alive, probably a beautiful woman or an orphan or something. You know what he did?

He filled the shafts of bamboo that were all over the swamp (I guess he was in Asia?) with swamp gas, stoppered them up with mud, lit one end on fire, and threw them at the enemy, where they exploded magnificently.

That’s the end result, over his shoulder there.

HE MADE EXPLODING JAVELINS. That qualifies anyone for hero status. And he apparently did crap like that every week. This is a show that I need to get my hands on.

In closing, thank you for reading, and taking this walk down memory lane with me. Next time on “Raised By TV” we’ll probably talk about TGIF, or the Power Rangers or something. But right now, lets just bask in the glory of Mr. T’s guns and MacGyver’s mullet.

Aaaaahhhhh…