The Supplement is up!

Okay, check it out, folks: the Vitamin T-wilight site is up and running. If you care, there it is. If you don't, that's cool. I may mention it from time to time here, but it will largely be business as usual. Which means whatever.

One Man's Journey Through Twilight: A Supplement of Vitamin T

There you go.

I'mma read Twilight

Okay, here's a thing: I'm gonna get the Twilight books, and I'm going to read the crap out of them.

Sooo... they're about AppleFlowerRibbonChess?

Some of you might be wondering, "Why, Tony?! We love you! You don't have to do this!" And you're right to wonder, but fear not: I'm doing this for you. Here's my response to your appropriately worried (and possibly imaginary) outbursts regarding my well-being:

"Chill out, guys. I got this; I'm Tony MacKenzie."

No worries.

And that's all you really need. Trust me.

Now, as to why I'm doing this, I'll tell you: because I hate the movies. So, so much. When I tell TwiHards (the chosen monicker for a Twilight enthusiast) how much I hate the movies, they tell me that "The books are better".

I CALL SHENANIGANS.

So what I propose to do is thus: I'm gonna read the books and blog about what I'm reading. I will empty my mind of all prejudices (except for the stupid sparkling, I will never forgive the stupid sparkling vampires no matter what anyone gives or promises me) and try to take a look at what I'm reading, then distill it immediately into bite-sized chunks of Vitamin T-flavored Twilighty goodness (or badness, depending on how I feel about what I've just digested).

It will probably be a separate blog, so you can read it if you want, or don't if you don't. I'm thinking "One Man's Journey Through Twilight (A Supplement of Vitamin T)". What I'm asking from you, dear readers, is how I should divide my blogged regurgitations: Crazy in depth, chapter-by-chapter breakdowns?; less in depth 5-chapter chunks?; milestone moments? Or should I scrap the whole idea for the sake of the Internet?

Your butts. Hold on to them.

Or your effeminate vampires. You can hold them too.

Lemme know.

VITAMIN RAAAAAGE (A "The Last Airbender" rant)

I've already established that I want this movie to not suck, which it will probably do no matter what I offer the heathen gods of Hollywood. When it does end up chock full of horrible, I will probably rage and then fall into a quivering mass of weeping. It doesn't come out until July 2, but I've just seen the first thing that makes me want to call down my wrath upon M. Night Shyamalan. But first, a little exposition.


This is Appa. He's a six-ton flying bison. I have no idea how he flies, but he does, and he's adorable. He carries everyone around during the show, and he's kind of an unstoppable force, but he makes up for that by being, again, adorable. He's in the movie. I have no idea what he looks like on screen. But I've just seen the toy.

Wha...?

What?

WHY?!

I'm about to start quivering. Tears will soon follow.

Son, I am disappoint.

I love Shreddin' with Sasquatch

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 24 now. Also, sleepy.

Enough of that.

Saw this the other day:



I love everything about this.

1. Camping.

2. Beef Jerky

3. Classical guitar shredding

4. BIGFOOT

I believe in Bigfoot. I have no proof, I've never seen one, but it's fun to think about how there could be something on this continent (where we think we've got a good grip on things) that we simply don't know about. So, mixed emotions will be had if their existence is ever proven: I'll throw it in the faces of those who doubt with rabid abandon, but it will just be one less really cool thing to be uncertain about, like old explorers or whatever.

Also, the shredding. I love that up there. Give it a listen, and if you know of any bands that do stuff like that without being retarded like Dragonforce (I frikkin' hate their drummer, it's like he's got 17 legs and each one has a bass pedal, which is impressive considering he actually only has the 2 legs, but it gives me a headache; the guitarists are cool, though).

I also like Crazy on you by Heart... none of their other stuff, but Crazy on you is the bomb. On a side note, I've been choreographing a fight scene to that song for the better part of a year now. You know, in my head. It's awesome. Now I just need a few million dollars for werewolf and zombie makeup, a mexican luchadore, and a reformed Nazi robot from World War II. Once that happens, watch out.

What are your thoughts on the cryptozoological? Or awesome guitar music? Or beef jerky? (Man, I love beef jerky...)

Also, forgive the nonsensical blatherings of today: like I said, I'm sleepy.

TONY OUT.

Breaking food news!

Whoa, whoa, guys, whoa: This just in.

McDonalds makes you fat.


I know, right? Took me completely by surprise. But out of idle curiosity, I looked up the nutrition information for the breakfast I just had, and I apparently just ate like a third of my daily allotment of calories by scarfing down that bacon, egg & cheese biscuit (delicious) and hashbrown (tastebud nirvana).

*drool*

That was like 600 calories right there. No wonder my highschool pants don't fit anymore, and I'm springing for the slacks with the elasticky waistband! I've probably eaten enough hashbrowns to force Ireland into a second famine.

I have no idea what I'm going to do to fix this, but something must be done. Not to McDonalds (they've done nothing wrong but offer delicious and fatmaking foods at low-ish prices and with astoundingly easy availability), but to me, cause I love my elasticky slacks, but I miss wearing my high school pants.

When Jack Black looks better in stretchy pants than you do,
you know you need to change something.

This probably means I'm going to have to cut down my sleep to 6 hours a night so I can fit some exercise in my day... why didn't I do it when I had plenty of time, like in college? Or even a few months ago? Graaah.

Stupid tasty food.

Internet School: 4chan

In this installment of Internet School, we're going to talk about the place where everything on the internet begins: 4chan.


Just think about a few of the things you love about the internet. Funny pictures? Neat stories? Rickrolling? Odds are, 4chan had something to do with it. Like the center of a galaxy, from which all stars stem, everything beautiful (and on the flip side, everything horrible) that you can find online probably owes it's existence to 4chan, which I'm not going to link to, because if I did someone might go there and find something horrible. If you really want it, you can find it yourself, and I can go to sleep tonight with a reasonably clean conscience.

So what is 4chan?

It is a place of utter freedom. You can say whatever you want there, post and find pictures of whatever you want, laugh hysterically at their shenanigans and cry at the sad stories posted there. There are categories, known as "boards", where you go to talk about specialized things: /co/ board is comics, /x/ board is paranormal, /fit/ is health and fitness... there is pretty much a place to talk about anything there. Of course, "anything" includes some of the more unsavory, less Safe for Work (SFW) territories: pornography, pictures of real human gore, illegally copied and downloaded media.

4chan is definitely Not Safe for Work (NSFW). Or, y'know, home. Or anywhere, actually. But the darkest dark side of this magical place of wonder and terror... is the /b/ board: Random.

/b/ is truly the extreme of all that is internet. You can find anything there. ANYTHING. It's like... it's like putting a toddler with a pit bull. What will happen? It can go either way, like Schroedinger's Cat: until you see what happens, both are possible. The result could be something completely adorable, with the big dog and the kid playing and being cute and people would be all like "daaaaawwwww!"

"Daaaaawwww!"

Or. The result can be horrible. With bloodshed and tears and much weeping and gnashing of baby-stained teeth. That's /b/. And it is fueled by Anonymous. Woe is you if you attract the wrath of Anonymous.

Anonymous.

"Anonymous" is what they call the users of 4chan. They are many. They are Legion. And they can really mess you up. They have crashed websites, hacked bank accounts, fixed Time magazine's Top 100 most influential people of 2009 so the winner was 4chan's creator (a guy who goes by "moot") and so the names of the first 21 people on the list spelled out "marblecake, also The Game", which actually makes total sense if you speak Internet and which I will explain in the next Internet School. They pick the odd and pathetic on the Internet and ruin their lives for fun (or, as they say, "the lulz", which is a corruption of LoL, or Laugh out Loud).

But they love animals. They created Lolcats, which you've seen and laughed at if you've ever been online, or are, y'know, reading this article. On the flip side of all the evil they do for the sheer joy of misbehaving with no repercussions, when people post pictures or videos of people torturing animals, or when (as on more than one occasion) someone claims to be preparing to shoot up a school, they will work tirelessly to gather proof of misconduct and find out the identity of the perpetrator, then provide the information to the local authorities.

Have another something cute.

/b/, and 4chan as a whole, is a two headed monster. One breathes justice and candy and happiness, and the other breathes vengeance and spite and evil. Get involved at your own peril.

Last one, I promise.

That got a little heavy there, I'll admit. Anyway.

Like I said, next Internet School I'll tell you about Marblecake, and The Game (which you just lost).

Movie Muhthursday: Toy Story 3 - 10-out-of-10 T's

Yeah. You read that right. I believe this movie to be perfect.

It hits everything you need for a family friendly film, and it does so with astronomical quality. It made me nostalgic for my childhood, which the original Toy Story was definitely a part of. It doesn't pull any punches: Toys lose their appeal after a certain age, and spend their days in boxes until there are more kids around.

It made me sad. It made me happy. It frightened me and then made me laugh. It took me to highs and lows in a way that only something that is really, truly good can do.

If you've seen the previews, you know the premise: Andy is going off to college. He hasn't played with his toys (many of whom have already been donated or yardsaled away in the years since Toy Story 2, leaving us with just the core characters: Woody, Buzz, Jessie, Bullseye, Slinky, Hamm, Rex, and the Potato Heads and their alien children).

"Daddyyyyyyy..."

Three days before Andy leaves, they are trying to get played with one more time before they get stuck in the attic for who knows how long, but a mishap ends up getting them donated to Sunnyside Daycare, a place where they'll get played with as much as they want, but has a more sinister side lurking in the shadows.

We are introduced to new characters, some that I reallyreallyreally want, like Mr. Pricklepants or the Peas in a Pod (I don't care that they're made for toddlers, they look awesome and I will fight anyone who disagrees or looks down on my for that, so there).

LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE AWESOME. And Mr. Pricklepants is voiced by Timothy Dalton. TIMOTHY DALTON AS A PORCUPINE IN LEDERHOSEN. I love Pixar.

I... I don't want to tell you any more. I mean, I do, I want to tell you everything that happened so I can share with you just how awesome this movie is. I literally typed out a total synopsis right here, but I deleted it because that would kill it for you. If you've seen the first two, and if they had as much of an impact on you as they did on me (not many of you went to art school where "Pixar" is pretty much exactly synonymous with "You can strive to be that awesome but you can only hope to create something half as perfect" but that doesn't mean you appreciate these films any less than I do), you need to see this movie.

I'm making a declaration right now: when all of you people on the interwebs get around to watching this movie, let me know, and we'll get together and drink hot chocolate and talk about how awesome it is and how funny that part was and how it made you cry but in a good way.

It has the best possible ending. If you really really want to, just imagine what the best possible ending could be for a bunch of toys who want nothing more than to be loved and played with again, short of a Babyizer Ray shooting Andy and turning him 10 again. It's a happy-sad ending, and it's perfect.

There really isn't anything more to say. If you liked the first two, you'll like this. It's just as good, and provides closure on this series. I don't know if this is the last Toy Story they'll make, but if it is, I'm satisfied. And I'm serious about that hot chocolate.

Take the whole family. The admission price is worth every penny.

How'd you get a whole log in there?

Everyone in Ohio has heard this already: the "King of Kings" statue that has been the butt of religion jokes and righteous indignation since its construction in 2004 at Solid Rock Church on I-75, burned down last night, apparently struck by the universally-recognized symbol of Holy Wrath from the Gods (a lightning bolt).

Everyone is talking about it. If the nightly news and Entertainment Tonight has taught me anything, when everyone is already talking about something, it means I need to blog about it.

Facebook is all a-flurry with people laughing at the obvious cosmic-irony of the situation, inferring that the atmospheric discharge that struck the 6-story, metal frame-filled representation of our Lord and Savior was some kind of message from On High, smiting the idol that these sinners worship before and burning it to the ground in an inferno usually reserved for the fiery pits of Hades.

Oh, jeez!

I will admit, I did the same. The thoughts occurred to me, and I commented mightily on the Intertubes. Then I sat down and took a quick look at myself.

(I'm not going to make any friends here. If you are set in that train of thought, that this was some kind of Holy Sign, and any implication of anything but will offend the crap out of you, maybe you should stop reading. If, on the other hand, you are up for a little self-inspection, please read on, and take what I say with a grain of salt.)

There's a story in the Bible, a parable, I believe that was spoken by the J-man himself: please enjoy while I lay some gospel on ya.

Matthew 7 (with paraphrasing): “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. ... Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

Powerful stuff, Jesus. Powerful stuff.

I was one of the righteously indignant. "How many wells could they have built in third-world countries with the $0.5 million they spent on that gaudy monstrosity" I asked. Others around me have accused the people of Solid Rock Church of idolatry, worshipping at the foot of this 60-foot-tall representation of Jesus. And then I was reminded of Matthew 7.

Let's say they did. Lets say they got down and prayed in front of this thing (which they can't, really, since there's like a pond or something in front of it): how is that any different from getting on your hands and knees in front of the alter on Sunday morning, which more-than-likely has a cross or crucifix RIGHT THERE?

Sure, they probably could have spent that money in an area that WE would deem better, more worthy, but you know what? It was their money to spend, not mine, not yours. I'm sure there are areas of your life (I know that there are plenty of them in mine) where you spent money that could have been better suited somewhere else: did you NEED to buy a BMW, or a Harley, or that dress or suit you look great in, or that steak dinner with all the trimmings, or that ice cream sundae?

No. You didn't. And I didn't either.

We could have taken all that money, all the extra cash spent by Christians every year on stuff that we simply don't need because they're status symbols (or because "we deserve it, just this once", but it isn't "just this once", is it?) and pooled it in some kind of Jesus Fund and frikkin' BOUGHT Nigeria or Uzbekistan or Haiti and made it into a paradise where everyone is happy and we worship Jesus all day long singing happy songs and wearing potato bags.

But we don't. We buy the cars, and watches, and suits, and steak dinners, and ice cream desserts and most people tithe their 10% on Sunday and feel happy and justified, but we could have done more. We could all do more.

These people at Solid Rock Church are a mystery to me. They could be a cult, with crazy devil-worshipping orgies held inside their Jesus statue, and they had one Monday, and God finally got fed up enough that he fried them all.

OR.

They could be a strong, God-fearing church that is so prosperous and so blessed by God that they felt a good thing to spend a little surplus money on was a great big statue of the Son of God. And maybe what happened last night was a bad thunderstorm that finally picked up on the metal poles inside of it and the resulting collision of positive and negative ions created a lightning strike that had absolutely nothing to do with the wrath of God.

I mean, look at all that metal.

There are worse things to spend money on. In fact, another one of the 10 Commandments (the one we mentioned earlier about Idols is in there) is "Thou shalt not steal". Well, since you're on the Internet, you've probably stolen some music, or a movie, or even just a picture that didn't belong to you but you thought was cool and decided to add to a Facebook album (you know that little box you click that says you "Have the right to distribute this picture"? Sometimes, I doubt it).

Please don't feel attacked. This isn't meant for any one individual, or if it is, it's meant for me. I'm just as bad. But it seems that for a while now, I've had this log in my eye, and I haven't been seeing clearly.

And it really, really hurt.

Need some focus, here

So, I'm kind of scared right now: I have absolutely nothing to say. Usually, my nonsense-filled blatherings are fueled by the time wasting outside of work, but I don't have any time outside work any more, and I won't for a while. So I'm running on fumes here, creatively.

It's like this, but instead of a gas pump, it should be a sandwich for my brain.

The things that rule my life at the moment, that occupy all of my attention, are my job at the paper (8 a.m. to 3-ish p.m.), my job at the theater (3-ish p.m. to after midnight) and making sure that the pop-sludge that builds up in the soda fountain drain doesn't gain sentience and try to destroy Greenville. The time I do have is limited, but I want to do what I want to do, which is learn about stuff and then write about it.

That's anything. I'm crippled by my options here.

Like this, but less scenic and more "Oh, balls, I'm a hack."

So howsabout some feedback? What do you like reading me talk about?

More movies? Retro reviews? Video games? Shoot me a message or e-mail or leave a comment, and help me put a nozzle on the explosion of my awesomeness, and help me focus on something you want to read about.

(Was that legible? I'm kind of sleepy, too, so forgive me if I'm nonsensical.)

HIT IT.

Movie Muhfriday: The Karate Kid - 8-out-of-10 T's

I went to bed 48 hours ago KNOWING that when I held my customary midnight show this week, the film we were going to watch was going to be terrible. Everything about this movie, from the time I saw the preview poster and realized that they were actually making the movie to the first trailer I saw, screamed to me that this would be barely watchable at best.

Apparently, the sky is green and grass is blue and I don't have the raddest mustache in Ohio, because my world has been turned all topsy turvy by this film that was supposed to suck and DIDN'T. Not even a little bit.

First off, a nitpicky problem: the name. The only karate you see in this movie is on a tiny TV screen. Karate is Japanese (Mr. Miyagi was Japanese, played by Japanese-American Pat Morita), but this movie is set in China. Here, he learns kung-fu. In Asia, this movie is called "The Kung Fu Kid", which, if they'd called it that from the beginning, I probably would have been less skeptical about it. Even now, if a week ago, they'd changed their minds and sent out new posters and changed all of the ads on TV and called it "The Kung Fu Kid", a lot of people on the interwebs and in the media and anyone who pays attention would have probably given it more of a shot from the get go. Bah. Rant over.

This is a remake in only the very loosest sense. It hits a few key points, but does it in such a way that you're all like "Yeah, I remember Mr. Miyagi doing that" or "Oh, is he gonna 'wax on' now?" But it's so different, and it even makes more sense than the way they did it in the original, that you don't care. I, at least, enjoyed this film much more than I really expected was possible.

What follows is a list of the key themes from the original film that they touch on in this movie, with a spoiler-lite example of how they do it in this film and the original.

1. Stranger in a strange land (Daniel-san moved to California with his mom against his will/Dre (Jaden Smith) moved to China with his mom against his will)

2. Gang of guys who misuse the martial arts because of their bad teacher (both films, pretty much the same, only they're a lot less blond and white in the new one)

3. Maintenance man who saves main character, does some healing magic on the beat up main character, teaches him martial arts with mundane tasks (Mr. Miyagi with the clap-rub thing, painting a fence and waxing a car teaches defense/Mr. Han with a much cooler fire-and-lightbulbs thing that you really need to see, taking a jacket on and off for days teaches defense and offense)

4. Pretty girl that offers friendship and support (Elizabeth Shue/a chinese girl whose name isn't on Wikipedia)

5. TRAINING MONTAGE!!!

6. Tournament that offers the climax of the film

My only problem with this movie happens during the tournament, and this is a problem I had with the original, too: the main character has been training in their form of martial-art for a few weeks, a few months tops, and they are successfully holding their own against dudes that have been practicing for years. That blows mah mind. I understand why that needs to happen for the purposes of the movie, but I've always had a problem suspending my disbelief there.

"My years of practice are no match for your jacket-fu!"

Also, here's a spoiler: you know the drill, click and drag to highlight them if you really wanna see.

***HERE THERE BE SPOILERS***

The final fight, the main character does some move that wins it for them. In the original it's the Crane Kick. In this one, it's kind of the crane kick, but for a different reason: Dre's leg is hurt, so he gets all balancey on one foot, focuses his chi, and when the whistle blows does A ONE-LEGGED FLYING SPIN JUMP-THING THAT KICKS THE OTHER DUDE'S FACE INTO THE GROUND, before landing back on the one leg.

Wha... what? How did... what? That was amazing, and completely impossible and silly. The announcer guy hands the trophy to the loser (who up until this point has been a thug and a hooligan and probably tortures kittens in his closet at home) to give to Dre, which he does with a smile on his face. He happily hands over the trophy. HAPPILY.

"Dude, I don't even care that I just got totally pwned in front of the entire nation of China, that flying kick thing where you smacked my face into the ground was the coolest thing I've ever seen!"

He totally says that. Y'know, with his eyes. Whut whut WHAT?!

***THE SPOILERS IS ENDED***

"I can only do this because I'm 12!"

Jackie Chan is awesome in this movie. He's dramatic. No one in America has seen a dramatic Jackie Chan. In China, he's like Elvis mixed with Bruce Willis and Tom Hanks: he's a singer, he's an action star, and he does comedy and dramas. He's like a swiss army knife of an actor... over there. Here, we just get him being an action star, or in horrible action comedies like Shanghai Noon or Rush Hour. Fun Fact: in the Chinese translation of Disney's Beauty and the Beast, he was the beast's singing voice. That's pretty cool, methinks.

"Boy, I'm famous."

He plays a dude with a history in this movie. When you find out what his history is, it takes you by surprise. And it's incredibly well done, very well portrayed on his part. You understand why he's acted the way he does for the entire movie.

By the end of it, both characters end up in better places than when they start, strengthened by each other.

"Man, kid, I should have done 'Rush Hour' with you. You're awesome."

This is a good movie, made better, I will admit, by my low expectations. That said, this was a fine film, and well worth the $5-$10 you would spend on admission. It's also family friendly, as long as you're cool with 12-year-old kids punching each other. It's PG, so it isn't terribly graphic.

"This is the part where you punch me, isn't it? Yeah. I thought so."

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Something else I hope doesn't suck: The Cape

Give this a look:



Yes, it has a horrible title. Yes, The Incredible's taught us capes are silly. But you know what? I love stuff like this. This is in the tradition of the Pulp Heroes of old: the Shadow, the Green Hornet, The Phantom, The Blue Beetle, the Rocketeer, the Spirit. What do these stories have in common? Just a dude who can do something special, but isn't too lofty to get down in the muck and bust some heads in the name of "The Right Thing".

It looks to have a decent cast, and the first season of "Heroes" showed us that a TV series about something extra-ordinary can do well (as long as they don't get a big head and start to take themselves to seriously... or just expect people to watch because it used to be awesome).

It will probably be silly, and I probably won't be able to watch it because of my jobs, but I hope it's good, and I hope it does well. Just because something is silly doesn't mean it can't also be serious and fun. Serious and silly and fun. That's way better than "suck".

Lady Gaga: mad genius or unhinged hottie?

Well... she LOOKS sane.

***WARNING: FOXY LADIES IN VARIOUS STATES OF UNDRESS AHEAD, AS WELL AS SOME HARSH LANGUAGES***

But, it's cool by YouTube standards, so I figure I can embed the video with little fear of repercussion. SO CHILL.

***WARNING OVAH***

So, I saw this:

Pretty sweet.

And I bought the actual song off of the iTunes. I listened to it about 20 times. And then I saw this:

... uh.

And my head exploded.

I don't know if Lady Gaga is a genius or off her nut, but she writes a good song, and she looks awesome in a chain mail bikini. What I can't figure out is what exactly is going on in that music video, or what whatever is going on has to do with the song.

The way I understand it, the song is about a girl who is stuck in the "Friend Zone". That's classic song fare: people who know popular music much better than me can probably give you three jillion examples of that idea being the plot of a song, and one that comes to mind for me is Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me.

You know why it's been used by everyone from Gaga to Swift? Probably because a lot of people get stuck there. It's something that people can relate to. I (because I'm awesomely creative) can think of three jillion more ways you can portray that in a music video.

You know what I can't imagine, though? What I, and I would assume the vast majority of humanity, can't relate to? Being wrapped in latex, stuck in a coffin, force-fed vodka, made to dance in a chain mail bikini and then lighting a guy on fire with my bra (not that I ever wear one, or would ever consider it, or... NEXT QUESTION!), or what that has to do with the song that goes with the video.

No. Frikkin'. Idea.

This might be one of those "abstract art" things that I had so much trouble with in college. But, the song has sold about a jillion jillion copies, so she must be doing something right.

GOOD JOB!

Whoops-a-doozies and personal enlightenment

When I was younger and we got in the paper for doing anything, like, say, when they posted the kids in the honor roll (notice how I slipped that in there, so now you can guess how smart I am? Or was. Whatever.), it would always tick me off when they misspelled my last name: MacKenzie. You see that capital "K" there? Vital. And that 'a' betwixt the "M" and "c"? Also of world-shattering importance.

"I SAID THE 'K' IS CAPITALIZED!!!!"

I couldn't understand why they (my predecessors, meaning everyone who used to work at the Advocate and doesn't anymore, except for Linda Moody, who has been chained to her desk by people like me for the last four decades since we don't want her to leave) would get it wrong all the time. My grandparents would call in and complain, my folks would make sure I knew what they did wrong... and I haven't misspelled my last name since I was, like, 4, so I couldn't understand why THEY did.

Well, today, I got an e-mail from an annoyed mother. And I get it.

Pretty much exactly what happened.

I have less of an excuse than my predecessors did: when you list out 300 names, if you only spell one of them wrong, you're doing pretty good. The problem that arises there, though, is that that name is attached to a person who cares about how you spell it, and they don't care that you got 299/300 names right, they're all fired up and think you're a moron because you spelled 1/300 wrong.

"You painted it the wrong color, you idiot."

Now, in my defense, the kid's name was spelled differently than the norm. Her name, which was only spoken, not spelled, to me, is Kohl. I spelled it "Cole". A perfectly understandable mistake, I feel, though I do apologize for it. I could pass the buck to the teacher on duty who spelled the child's last name but not the first, or to the kindergartner herself (she could have spelled it for me, they know how to do that in kindygarden, right?), but I'm not going to. I'm not even going to blame it on laziness.

I spelled the child's name that way because I thought I'd done it right.

I do my best to get my facts correct. I did not, nor will I ever (unless it's really funny, or even slightly funny, or there's a small chance I might get even the hint of a chuckle) purposefully do something wrong. So, this mom (like my grandparents, like my parents, like every parent who's ever been unable to understand why the people at newspapers are so thick, and like, I'll admit, myself when I'm shattering worlds because of a dropped "a" or missed shift key) might think I'm doing it on purpose, like I'm out to get her kid, which is simply not the case.

Again, I apologize, but please know that it was nothing personal.

I just liked this picture, and wanted to show it again.

Movie Muhwednesday: MacGruber - 4-out-of-10 T's

I’m… wow. Just wow. I didn’t like anyone in this movie. Which is a shame, because I actually love everyone in this movie. Lemme ’splain:

Will Forte. Kristin Wiig. Powers Boothe. VAL-frikkin-KILMER. Every one of these people is someone who has done something that I thought was amazing. For this film, they were brought together, and Will Forte was let loose on screen. I’ve read in the interviews that the guys who made this film have done that they just kept pushing to see what they could get away with, to see when the people with money would tell them to stop. And they never did. Usually, I’d say that was a good thing, but there’s only so many times I can hear jokes about dude-on-dude fellatio before the joke just… stops being funny.

That’s all of this movie. They hit the same note again and again, and sometimes just hit it harder and harder when what I wanted was for them to tell a different joke, and I stopped enjoying it.

Less fun than it looks.

In retrospect, I would have preferred to see a different movie, one that I’d already seen and really enjoyed.

Maybe, in order to dig this, I should have been really drunk. That might make it awesome. I can actually see that: hanging out with the guys, three sheets to the wind, and popping in MacGruber for a good time to be had by all.

That’s about it, though.

On the plus side, like I said, it had a lot of people I liked in it, and there were some parts that I laughed out loud at. Also, the story proceeds well, I don’t think they left any gaping plot holes…

I’d recommend seeing something else. Maybe Turner & Hooch (always a good choice!), or something that you know you’ll enjoy, before picking this up, or dropping $8 on a movie ticket.

That said, it’s probably better than Marmaduke.

Tonight, I update my "look"

I've always been immune to fashion. As in, it never really bothered me because I'm naturally resistant to it, like that guy who never gets the common cold, or Bruce Willis is immune to bullets: the changes in the fashion world have no bearing on me and my New Balance tennies and flannel shirts.

The Look I was going for...

The Look I was actually probably pulling off.

I didn't care... until I got a job, that is.

So now, I have to look professional. I do okay: khakis, button-up shirts, black shoes (still New Balance, but all black so they don't look too out of place), but I still feel like I'm doing it wrong. Then, for Christmas, my mom and sister go out and get me some shirts and ties that match... and look really good on me. Like, seriously. Purple is not a color I ever thought I'd wear, but I pull it off pretty well.

Pretty much.

So, in an effort to take advantage of all the Memorial Day sales, I'm taking my sister (decidedly more sensitive to the tides of fashion than I) to J.C. Penney (baby steps, people; I'm not about to blow $150 on a pair of jeans at AE or wherever you kids go today) and we're gonna get me some more snazzy-wear. I'm thinking I might even buy a suit.

Hoping for this...

... but I'll settle for this.

We'll see how it goes.